My drive to survive was in the way of my longing to connect, so I unwrapped it.
Some of you know it was my birthday a few weeks ago, and the arrival of another year is as good a reason as any to reflect on the year that has passed.
What’s alive for me right now, is an astonishing change to my neural pathways which I had long hoped for, but didn’t see any sign of it coming until it whispered almost inaudibly in my ear just a few days before.
Of course there were signs. In Somatic Experiencing, these ‘signs before the symptom’ are called ‘prodromals’. Although tracking early signs is an advanced skill I honed as a Somatic Experiencing practitioner, I have a lot of ‘mouse’ energy, and have always noticed details and small things. (I remember being the first to notice that chemicals had been used to clean the airconditioner filters in our SE training room, and again tracked when the carpet was replaced.) I also love to stitch invisible stitches when I make hats. The ability to see the unseen is also a foundational skill in shamanic work (the word, ‘Shaman’ translates as ‘one who sees in the dark’).
Using the prodromal model to track backwards, the first sign was something fairly intangible. This is quite common, and is the point in a client session where a lot of coaxing and coaching is required to help the client name something that isn’t concrete yet, and to trust it is connected to the observable symptom. I came to name the first sign as a vague awareness that my frequency was not at optimal level. With some more time, I realised that my frequency was sitting at a level that did not generate happiness or joy without effort. Although I experienced it as a frequency issue, it did not feel like my energy was the cause. It clearly felt connected to my neural pathways, so I focused my attention there, and waited to see what more information would come to light without pushing or striving.
The next thing that came into my awareness was a vague sense that my neural pathways were being influenced by social media. I wasn’t sure exactly how that was happening, but I could tell Facebook was influencing my wellbeing by taking advantage of my innate neural vulnerabilities. At this point, I was aware of the potential of falling down rabbit holes or dead ends, so I held myself carefully while watching the recent Netflix documentary, ‘The Social Dilemma’. I often find films and videos helpful entry points into exploring an issue, provided I focus on my personal experience, and don’t get drawn into collective concerns.
One of the ways I hold myself through difficult or charged experiences is maintaining curiosity.
[In my small group program, Expansion Training, I teach practices to do this. Initiates learn to refine their neural awareness of increasingly subtle body sensations; how to notice the ways their body responds to boundaries; and techniques to differentiate between personal and collective patterns. Staying connected to ‘self’ through gentle embodiment exercises is a supportive and nuanced way to do that.]
Curiosity is a foundational principle of nervous system work. In curiosity, I don’t expect anything to be the ‘end’ point; rather, I ask the question, “I wonder what will happen next?” It was in my openness to discover ‘what next?’, I learned that underneath the swirling vagueness of neural manipulation and frequency mis-alignment, I was connected to a feeling of FUTILITY that felt real and tangible, even if I couldn’t identify its source.
What I know from experience is, that when I get to this point, I have all the pieces of wisdom, but my job is to refrain from organising the wisdom into an a-ha moment and instead to FEEL the futility with just the faintest connection to story – if at all. The story’s job is to hold me lightly in the sensations, so I don’t get lost and fall down into any rabbit holes (there are always rabbit holes!). Staying with the sensations of futility allowed all sorts of unexpected memories to bubble up – ones from school days that hardly seemed relevant/important, or even related to my current self or circumstances – yet trusting that those memories formed my ideas about popularity, fame, friendship, and my assumptions about what people thought about me or said about me.
Allowing those fears and uncertainties to bubble up without trying to fix them helped me move swiftly through the story and get to the next part. The next part was realising I could assume something different about what others thought of me or said about me. More importantly, I could assume any gestures of connection were sincere. I could also assume people genuinely desired and enjoyed my company and felt my heart. I could stop trying to read between the lines, because there were no lines.
Seeing stuff before it happened was an early survival strategy honed in an inconsistent, unsupportive, unreliable and sometimes dangerous family environment.
Over the years, that became an unconscious way of relating to the world and to the people in it, eventually creating stuff that wasn’t actually there. The outdated strategy kept me isolated and separate, believing my original assumptions and alienated from the truth that, irrespective of my actual environment, I can feel connected, welcomed and loved, even when I’m totally alone and if I expect that every person in my world is well-intentioned and genuinely welcomes my presence.
In the final weeks of Expansion Training, we explore how autonomic drives in service of survival get in the way of connection. Specifically, our ‘drive to survive’ competes with, and impedes, our ‘longing to connect’. Whilst I’ve unwrapped this before, it is the deepest, most all-encompassing I have gone this time. Even though I am holding the container and the space, I am still doing my work. Each time I review and rewrite a module, stuff comes up for me to work through. No-one gets time off from transforming consciousness!
Since my birthday realisation, everything has been different. I feel supported by my new home, connected to my friends, and appreciate the friendships I have. I no longer suspect people have ulterior motives, and I take invitations at face value. Arguably, the biggest change has been in my relationship with my parents. Almost immediately, my mother started expressing appreciation for my personal qualities – not just my achievements or my helpfulness. The only kind of compliment that was on offer before was acknowledging what I had achieved, not appreciating the qualities I possess. Even my father is showing signs he can see me and appreciate me without feeling uncomfortably vulnerable.
Over many years of doing nervous system work, I have learned not to expect which piece of work the nervous system wants to do next, but this feels totally life-changing. When old, outdated survival energy is released from the body safely (i.e., without triggering other trauma patterns like cathartic methods do), change at the foundational level is truly possible.
Read more about the nervous system here.
In my integrative somatic trauma therapy group program for healers and neuro-sensitives, I teach methods to eliminate overwhelm and rewire patterns of protection, banish procrastination and self-sabotage and metabolize trauma that's holding back neurodivergent practitioners from thriving. All set within a safe container of shamanic wisdom practices.
Expansion Training for Healers is a 10-week group program for just 12 healers and neuro-sensitives - with plenty of individual support.
Doors are now open for the next round of Expansion Training for Healers, starting Tuesday 9th May, 2023.
If you're curious how healing and expanding your nervous system can help you, book a co-regulation call to explore whether this trauma-informed counseling or training is for you.