My Story
When I started somatic therapy, I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. Whenever I paid attention to what was happening in my body, I noticed violent trembling, shaking, sweating and heat. It felt like I was living in a war zone and my body was the enemy. I was highly sensitive to sounds and smells, in physical pain most of the time, I felt suffocated in crowds and was afraid of strangers touching me and hurting me.
I had no explanation for what I felt. But one day I chose a book on trauma at random from my university bookshelf and started shaking. I trembled each time I picked up the book and for three months afterwards.
I spent a decade searching for answers, and eventually realised that intergenerational trauma, neuro-sensitivity from being neurodivergent, and a narcissistic family system had caught up with me. There was so much ‘noise’ in my nervous system that the only way my body could protect me was by forcing me to stop completely. I developed adrenal fatigue and autistic burnout. I lost the ability to walk and even dress myself. I couldn’t be around people and needed to control my exposure to environmental toxins as much as possible. My life became very small.
When I hit bottom, I was homeless, jobless, penniless, estranged from my family, and relying on Government payments. The only possession of value I owned was my car and one night it was illegally towed, which brought me to my knees.
I knew intuitively that working with my body was the answer to feeling safe and finding peace within, but the spiritual teachers and therapists I consulted told me to “sit with” my intense bodily experiences and "ride out the waves". For me, riding out the waves meant shaking for hours with no resolution or completion.
One therapist recommended beating on a foam cube, but I couldn’t feel anything because I was disconnected from my emotions to stay safe. Eventually, when I discovered the nervous system piece, I learned that cathartic practices were blowing the fuse of my sensitive nervous system and keeping me stuck in a loop.
After I stopped doing intense practices and started working with tiny pieces of activation - a little frustrating, because it was much less than I could actually manage - and then integrating the work before continuing, my relationship with my body changed. I was able to hear my body when it let me know that I was moving outside my window of capacity, and I learned to trust it more and more.
Developing a relationship of trust wasn't something I THOUGHT about doing - it just happened. One day I realised that my body had always been honest with me, even when it was dropping bombs on me, and I felt so grateful for that.
Then, miraculously, my body became my SAFE HAVEN - the thing I knew I could rely upon over anything else.
After that, it was easier to love my body and trust myself - to respect, value, nurture, and cherish my whole being.
